rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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