Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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