I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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