when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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