Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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