Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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