She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
