ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
