also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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