i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
