Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize