My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
