The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize