I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize