I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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