Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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