he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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