the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
