ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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