My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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