i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
