he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
