and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I need to calm my uterus...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
