tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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