i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
