Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
