I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
