that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
