Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
