True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
