Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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