if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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