peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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