Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
