white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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