So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
