I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
