I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize