i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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