Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
