im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
