you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
