I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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