my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
