i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
