I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
