This is not my ceiling
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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