if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
