apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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