The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
