I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
