i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize