see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
