So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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