Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
