Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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