you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
