First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
