So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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