Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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