This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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