Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
