Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
